Versatility looks something like this! Wrap yourself up in caution tape and poison your boyfriend; Slagatha Christie takes on the tops and bottoms of Mother Monster’s career
I was eleven years old when I first became a little monster. As a highly precocious know-it-all child, who chose trips to the Tate over Thorpe Park and had been brainwashed into believing that modern pop music was cheap, generic trash (aside from Avril Lavigne whose faux-punk affectations set her slightly apart from the crowd), watching the Paparazzi music video on VIVA (rip) was somewhat a turning point in my life. I remember seeing Gaga, outlandish in her black lipstick and Mickey Mouse glasses, and thinking she was the coolest person on the planet. Breaking boundaries with her daring looks and oozing sexuality, Gaga provided a turning point for pop music too, affirming that being weird was cool, which spoke volumes to kids (and people of all ages) like me. Sure, like any oddball kid in school, Gaga got her fair share of shit-talk from the sheeple, but did it stop her? Did it fuck. So to celebrate the Patron Saint of Superfreaks’ latest release and glorious career in its entirety, I have comprised this definitive ranking of her albums from bottom to top; a task which wasn’t easy, seeing as they are all absolutely class, but had to be done before Deb can trick you into believing Born This Way is better than The Fame. You’re welcome.
8. Cheek to Cheek (2014)
No disrespect to Gaga (or Tony Bennett), but Cheek to Cheekis the musical equivalent of that ‘nice’ dress you have to wear around your elderly relatives at Christmas. You know, the one from Zara that covers up just enough tit and tattoos, so as not to provoke an aneurysm at the dinner table (just me?). Sure enough, the dress is nice, but it’s not the real you. Just as this album is good, but it isn’t 100% Gaga. More like Lady with a hint of Gaga. While I don’t want to discredit her efforts on this album (her vocal range is exceptional, particularly on Nature Boy), I just feel like she is holding back so much of her true self in an attempt to be taken seriously as a jazz singer, which is shit, because everyone loves Gaga and hates jazz. Again, just me?
High point – I Can’t Give You Anything but Lovehas big Twin Peaks vibes. Let’s Rock
Low Point – The disappointing cover of Duke Ellington’s It Don’t Mean A Thing (If It Ain’t Got That Swing), in which Gaga and Bennett take us to new levels of cringe with their scat (not THAT kind of scat, you absolute filth wizard smh)
7. A Star is Born Soundtrack (2018)
Anyone who knows me personally knows I hate hate hate musicals, so it might have come as a shock to some when I fell in love with A Star is Born. But can you blame me? Unlike other musical films, none of the singing scenes come across as fake or cringey, and the songs blend in well with the storyline. Bradley Cooper is very sexy, but it’s Gaga who totally steals the show – her performance as Ally is exceptional. So while I feel bad for putting this soundtrack so close to the bottom (not something to feel bad about, I know), if I’m going to stand by my critique of Cheek to Cheek, it has to be done. Ally Maine truly had what it takes to be a star, and I’m sure she went on to do wonderful things with her career, but could I see her dropping a K-Pop collab or breaking out of jail with Beyonce? Probs not, unfortunately.
High Point – Obviously, Shallow is the stand-out star of the soundtrack, but I can’t deny my soft spot for Why Did You Do That. Don’t worry, Deb disapproves
Low Point – I don’t want to spoil the film for anyone who hasn’t seen it, but I think its pretty common knowledge that this story doesn’t have a happy ending. For those who, like me, still aren’t over it, the last thing we need is a soundtrack complete with dialogue from scenes that we will probably need a five-year break from (and possibly hypnotherapy) to be able to face again
6. The Fame Monster (2009)
To paraphrase Carson Kressley: Fuck minimalism. But not less-is-more. At least when it comes to making unnecessarily long albums, which is something Gaga struggles with in particular. The Fame Monsteris probably the best example I can use to illustrate this point; a poorly-executed attempt to keep The Fame’s fire alight with eight additional tracks. Already a flawed, over-long and inconsistent album itself, the last thing Gaga’s debut needed was a bonus round. What’s worse is the fact that, had the additional 8 tracks been released as her second album (she could have called it, I don’t know, Monsterperhaps), they probably would have found themselves higher up my list. Although I love The Fame and will defend it to death, even I have to admit that it was tracks like Bad Romance and Telephonethat fully cemented the Gaga brand, which was still in the works on her debut. Obviously some of the songs haven’t aged well (though tbh, the RAH RAH UH UH AH was getting laughs at the time), but their ubiquity solidified Gaga’s status as the most exciting pop star of the time and that definitely means something. You might think I’m being harsh putting it in sixth place, but it’s partly personal – I’m doing this for baby Slagatha who couldn’t justify buying this, since she already had a CD copy of The Fameand didn’t want to be wasteful. Boo hoo.
High Point – I personally think Alejandro is underrated, but Deb pointed out that Beyonce rhyming ‘station’ with ‘dancing’ on Telephone was a power move, and tbh I have to agree
Low Point – When it comes to rating an album, I put much emphasis upon the quality of the opening and closing tracks, seeing as they bear the great responsibility of starting our journey and ending our experience (those who grew up listening to CDs will understand). That being said, The Fame’s Just Dance is a much better opener than Bad Romance and doesn’t deserve to be downgraded to CD2, in order for the inferior to have a chance to shine. Also it’s a mess
5. Born This Way (2011)
For an album whose title track stresses the importance of being yourself and embracing your originality, there sure are a lot of similarities with another singer’s back catalogue. Although Gaga steers clear of patriotism and working with Justin Timberlake, there are far too many biblical references and Vogue-like vocals for this to be a coincidence. To add to the onslaught of irony, it’s the tracks where Gaga is being odd and experimental and completely unlike Madonna that are the best – Government Hooker is gag-worthy (Put your hands on me, John F. Kennedy/ I’ll make you squeal baby/ As long as you pay me) and Schieße sounds like something a Berlin-based bedroom producer could only dream of conjuring up. But very few songs on this album shine so bright. It’s too long, with too much flab and too little to say. In terms of its start and finish, Born This Way stands in parallel opposition to The Fame, with its weak opening (Marry the Night manages to make four minutes feel like four hours) and incredible ending (Yoü and I followed by Edge of Glory), the latter of which fully compensates for the former’s failings, but not quite for the inconsistent slog in the middle. Paws up for the metal aesthetic though – apparently Gaga was shagging in a Black Sabbath shirt at the time and it shows.
High Point – Yoü and I gave us Jo Calderone and an embryonic version of the sound that would emerge on Joanne. What’s not to love?
Low Point – Judas
4. The Fame (2009)
* inhales * RED WINEEEEE… What a way to kick-start a career. Nothing says putting your best foot forward like opening your album up with a track like Just Dance, then maintaining the momentum with immortal hits like Love Game, Paparazzi and, of course, Poker Face to name a few. For first impressions, Gaga’s debut album certainly sets her out as a bold and ballsy pop diva, even if her signature style hasn’t fully come into fruition yet (but was soon-after solidified on The Fame Monster). It’s been 11 years since this album was released, and I still find myself coming back to it when I’m in the mood for some sexy, slaggy dance-pop, which doesn’t take itself too seriously. But unfortunately, the fun doesn’t make it past the halfway point, where bombastic queer-night anthems morph into cringe moments (Paper Gangsta), misplaced ballads (Brown Eyes), and culminate in a track which sounds like the intro to a low-rent Australian soap opera (Summerboy). Had these amateurish tracks been omitted, Gaga’s debut would translate today as a tighter, more carefully-crafted release, but these downfalls definitely don’t stop it from being one of the most important pop albums of the 00s.
High Point – Both me and Deb have agreed that Beautiful, Dirty, Richis the standout star
Low Point –The fact that Gaga cherry cherry boom boom didn’t appear as a line on every single track
3. ARTPOP (2013)
Admittedly, I slept on ARTPOP when it first came out – I was at the height of my David Bowie obsession in high school, and you’d have been hard-pressed to get me to listen to anything else. And, dear reader, didn’t I miss out. ARTPOP is Gaga’s most Bowie album to date. It’s edgy, experimental, and even shares a track name with the Queen of England himself (Fashion duh). Although Gaga’s venture into avant-garde art-pop may at times come off as affected and over-the-top, its knowing self-referential humour and consistent dance-party-mode prevent it from becoming too pretentious. Overall, ARTPOP ticks all the boxes (slaggy beats, gender-fuckery, and a KILLER opener), but is ultimately let down by the fact that its major singles don’t suit the overall vibe of the album. Chosen as the final tracks, Gypsy and Applause are by no means bad songs, but definitely sound like they’d be better suited to Born This Way. To understand why this was a bad move, imagine if Gaga released an acoustic cover of popular children’s nursery rhyme, Humpty Dumpty as a single and then put it on an album comprised of exclusively 1990s Swedish death metal-inspired tracks. Either you’d be too taken aback by the album to fully enjoy it, or you’d find the single a bit wet in comparison. As we can see from this example, dumpty and death metal are best kept separate to allow them to shine as individuals, rather than show each other up.
High Point – Aura is hands down one of the best opening tracks on any Gaga album (definitely sharing the title with Diamond Heart) – a slap in the face of minimal taste, without setting the bar too high for the album’s following tracks
Low Point – As Beyoncé explains on Telephone; trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see that sex-predator-shaped crack in that mother fucker’s reflection… No excusing it ever, but at least now it’s gone
2. Chromatica (2020)
Sorry boss, I can’t come into work, I’m a SLAG:
S – Still
L – Listening
A – To
G – Chromatica
With our current ‘earth reality’ undergoing a covid/corruption/accountability crisis, Gaga has provided us with the perfect mode of escapism, in the form of Chromatica-mania. For real though, this album has genuinely done wonders for me over the past few months – revisiting darker, more depressing albums did no good for my mental health when lockdown first fell upon us, so being hit with a fresh release of fun, dance-pop extravaganza was definitely the distraction I needed. Now, whenever I scroll through my news feed and start to experience a strong urge to punch right-wing politicians in the face, I can just switch over to Gaga’s (amazing) official merch store and imagine myself prancing around in a pink Chromatica thong instead. Chromatica has to take a top spot, because it feels like everything Gaga’s career has been building up to so far. If you took all the best bits from The Fame (+ Monster), Born This Way and ARTPOP and made them better, Chromatica would be the final result. This album has IT; house beats (strongest on Alice and Enigma), Bowie AND Madonna vibes (but not straight-up copying – seeBabylon) and collabs with BLACKPINK and Elton John on Sour Candy and Sine From Above! Although some tracks could have done with a bit more work (*cough* Rain on Me *cough *) and could have done without the three intervals, it is on Chromatica that Gaga finally breaks the curse – unlike its predecessors, this is an album that works in its entirety, and something 11-year-old CD-buying Slagatha would agree, is worth every penny.
High Point – Agree to disagree, but I have to say Alice, purely because it’s the track I’ve played the most
Low Point – Ariana Grande’s appearance on Rain on Me makes no sense musically – she is nowhere near as strong a singer as Gaga, so naturally ends up being carried. Sure, collaborating with Ari may seem like a good move in terms of clout, but Gaga has plenty herself and should have just asserted her dominance on a solo track
1 . JOANNE (2016)
If Gaga has taught us anything over the past decade, it’s that she has THE RANGE; mainstream EDM, avant-garde experimental pop, queer disco anthems, jazz, film soundtracks...the list goes on. Some of it I love, some of it I don’t mind, and some of it, I admire her for trying, but overall, it is the sheer unpredictability of Gaga’s musical direction, combined with her immense effort that keeps me coming back for more. But Joanne is different. Upon first listening to this country-inspired album, I found myself willing Gaga to stay put – what if she wasn’t meant to be the next Madonna after all? And not even the next Bowie either? What if, after all this time, Gaga was supposed to be my generation’s answer to Dolly Parton? That’s why Joanne has to take the top spot; it is upon this unlikely, largely-unfamiliar territory that Gaga shines brighter than ever before. And it’s not as niche as it sounds either – Diamond Heart and John Wayne are big slaggy bops, Million Reasons sounds very much like something First Aid Kit might make, and if the title track doesn’t reduce you to tears, you’re a psychopath. For an album that came out in 2016, I’m still not really over it – I honestly haven’t got a bad word to say about any of the tracks on this album, which is sure going to land me in a few spats, but it’s not going to change my mind. While I’ll admit that some of my opinions may be contested (I personally adore the Florence-featuring Hey Girl, although others are more cynical), I dare you to come to me in four years’ time and tell me which of Gaga’s albums has so-far stood the test of time. Sorry Chromatica-stans, but my money’s on Joanne.
High Point – Every track is special in its own way, but Sinner’s Prayer truly is the stand-out star
Low Point – Still can’t make it through the title track without crying, but at least I still have a heart, I guess